To Wish or Not to Wish
I can’t make up my mind. Do I want the girls to stay small forever or am I impatiently waiting for them to be more independent? It is a really tough call these days.
On the one hand Abigail has become so independent that, most days, it makes me feel utterly useless. She has this whole other world that she survives in all day long without me. This whole other world that holds secrets with friends, and “inside” jokes and the decisions she needs to make on her own now in regard to “is this right?” or “is this wrong?”. Granted they are not large decisions like us grown ups make but in the world of a six year old they are of high importance, such as, “Should I help little Susie after she fell down or do I laugh with the other kids who are making fun of her?” These are the decisions a child makes that will make up the backbone of the type of person they are growing up to be. I am proud to say Abigail doesn’t really care what others say to her when she helps the one kid that is being picked on or pushed around. In a rare instance, she actually told me what she did in school one day without me having to drag it out of her…the gist of the story comes down to one line, she asked “How would you feel if someone did that to you?”. I was proud of her for helping a smaller child on the playground and even prouder still for her keeping her cool. These days she does so many of these things all on her own…it makes me a little sad to think that my days of her wanting me to help are numbered. I guess it means that I have done my job pretty well so far. I try to hold in mind that my days are numbered especially when it is things like, tying a shoe I know she can tie on her own, or one more lullaby and cuddle before I tuck her in for the night and hurry to get back to the dishes waiting in the sink. I know I should hold onto these little moments with her because in another six years she isn’t going to want me for the cuddles like she does now and the smooch after having a shoe tied won’t be awaiting me any longer. Just this morning while getting ready for the bus she told me, “Mom I can go out the door on my own, I don’t really need you to wave to me.” My heart broke a little bit for my own selfish reasons and then it soared because I knew as welll as she does that she can go on her own too…and she isn’t scared to tell me so.
However, (you knew that was coming) on my other hand I have Megan who seems to need me all the time these days and I find myself thinking, “Good God I can’t wait for you to do this on your own!”. Seriously, how does a sane person go from wanting one child to need her to wanting the other one to be more of a big girl? Have I lost my mind? Maybe it is the fact that Abigail needs my help so much less than Megan and I would like an equal balance between the two. Megan seems to need me to be the only one to cuddle her at night, take her to the potty, carry her up to bed, and I am the only one she wants in the night when she gets up for whatever reason. Don’t get me wrong…it is a nice stroke to the ego to have someone be able to voice that they want and need you so much but it is exhausting as well. I am wondering how Megan is going to feel when the new baby arrives in a couple short months. Is she going to cling to me endlessly or is she going to take on the big sister roll like a champ? Obviously the baby is going to need me as all new babies do and I find myself happily awaiting that newborn stage with the rocking and being the one to have the baby all to myself during midnight feedings. So why do I feel so differently about Megan needing me so much these days? I know that part of the reason is the cross between the stages of toddler and big kid. She is smack dab right in between the two at this point. I guess maybe it is more me wanting her to be more independent now, rather than after the new baby arrives and forces her to be a little more of a big girl. I guess I just answered my own question.
I need to hold all this in the front of my memory. I need to remember to cherish the shoe lace requests and lingering cuddles of my first baby who doesn’t need me quite so much and I need to stay patient with the trips to the potty, and the multiple middle of the night wakings of my second baby because as my first taught me when I wasn’t looking…it doesn’t last forever.
Mom and Dad were right…I shouldn’t wish my life away. It means I am wishing theirs away too.
For my Girls:
Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter.
Lullabies, dreams and love ever after.